You saw the preview…and you didn’t see it. You saw the commercial for the upcoming DVD…and you forgot. THEN it finally became available on DVD and video, and now you’re here either because you are bored or are deciding whether to spend the 2 dollars to rent the film, DARKNESS FALLS (dun-dun-dun, *dramatic reverb)

It’s about this kid who gets his mom fucked up by a flying rag suspended by fishing wire with a mask taped onto it. The BG story is that the rag (I don’t think its supposed to be a rag, but it fucking looks like one if I ever saw a rag) was once an old woman who would give kids who lost their teeth a gold coin. Just like that fairy thing. Then, some kids went missing. Then, the townspeople blamed the old lady and hung her. Then, the kids turned up again. Then, the townspeople blushed for what they had done. As you can imagine, the ghost of the old lady was pissed, and chose to take out her anger in rag-mode on the main character’s momma when he lost his last tooth. He never got a gold coin though. Just mental problems for the rest of his life after what he had seen. Aw shucks.

Years later, there’s this little punk kid who says he’s saw THE RAG himself, and THE RAG scratched him and whatnot. He also said that THE RAG only appears when its dark, and when the movie plot starts to slow down (he’s attacked very often). So now, the kid is scared of the dark, as well as paper towels and Kleenexs, and other rag like items. The little boy’s sister is like “that’s not cool.” So then she calls up the kid from the beginning, who’s now totally old (30-ish), and asks him to help her kid. Because the man is stupid and if he didn’t go there would be no movie, he comes and talks to the little kid who shares the man’s angered feelings towards THE RAG. The man is like “you’re pretty screwed, little boy.” And leaves.

Some jackass doctor for the little boy thinks that he won’t be so messed up after they lock him a sensory deprivation tank. That always helps me out. The man finds out about what they will do to the little boy, and goes back to save his white ass. He does so, and after he does THE RAG gets mad and starts attacking everybody important in the movie. Then it ends.

I dunno about this movie. I suppose this movie could be your favorite movie of all time, as long as it was the only movie you have ever seen in your life and you had no knowledge that this was not the only movie ever made. Everything in this movie I had seen before from other crappy movies. What they tell you is scary is a floating rag and strobe lights. I suppose if this were in a haunted house walkthrough thing it would be scarier, because the rag would touch your face and whatever and youll totally freak out. But when you watch this in movie form, you can get your face touched, so I guess the movie is a dud. At no point when watching this movie did I lose bladder control as I should with “horror films”, but rather, watching the movie helped me retain urine. That’s not a good sign since they’re trying to scare me.

In the end, the only darkness that truly falls is the darkness that falls on the cast and crew’s resumes when people see that they worked on this movie. (I thought that was clever.)

I forget the rate system on movie, so I’ll just give this 1.5/5 thingys.

-Kirbo "Oh snap!"